User blog:Tspeecestudios/The Dark Knight Rises

I finally got through the entire movie yesterday, and while it's no sterling winner, I don't have as many complaints as I thought I would. Anne Hathaway was a lousy Catwoman--just too prissy to be a thief and she's not mean enough to snark (also, I take issue with her never-mussed loose hair. Anybody with more than three inches on their head knows you can't do all that flipping around and not wind up with a rat's nest...also, it's super impractical to leave your enemies something to grab firm hold of). Also, there was NO chemistry between her and Bale (which I don't blame on her)--that kiss right before the whole atom bomb thing? More awkward than Neil Patrick Harris trying to pick up women.

Let me break in since I mentioned it: that whole thing with the atomic bomb? You know how it explodes over the bay and everyone's all "YAY WE WEREN'T ANNIHILATED!"? I wanted to shake my TV like a misbehaving toddler. First off, it's not just the blast that'll kill you. It's the fall-out and the increased radiation that really screws you up. But what do I know?

Now I said earlier that I think Christian Bale is the worst Batman (tied for that with Clooney, actually)...but after that movie, I gotta rate him as the most God-awful Bruce Wayne EVER. That funeral at the end, where entirely-too-many-people-who-know-Wayne=Batman are around? When Alfred loses his shit and is apologizing to Mummy-and-Daddy-Wayne's tombstones--I was just done with this incarnation of Wayne. Like the man's your surrogate father and has been telling you for three movies that he wants you to be happy (we'll not go into the fan-theory that Alfred is actually his birth father because while that is canon in my head I recognize not everyone feels that way) and you can't even send some kind of word that you're alive? You have to wait for him to see you in France? Asshole.

The upside of that movie? Bane and his ridiculous hotness. Why was he SO damn hot? Like the mask was ridiculous (yes, I am pro-Luchador mask) and the pseudo-Sean-Connery coming out of this supposed-to-be-Latino man was such a goof, but this Bane incarnation was frigging HOT. I'm a sucker for a beefy man with the structure to actually support his muscles (trust no man with a 48 inch chest and 14 inch waist--he's weak and starving). The shirtless scenes were so appreciated! Not enough of them to make that long-ass movie worthwhile, but definitely worth being awake for.

I'm curious as to why Nolan kills off all of the villains except frigging Scarecrow. Of all the villains you could keep bringing back, why the damn Scarecrow? I mean he was obnoxious in the cartoons, terrifying in the comics, aggravating in the games, but I don't want to look at Cillian Murphy's too-pretty-man-face when I'm trying to get my superhero on. Now I know he didn't ACTUALLY kill off the Joker, but for a being of utter chaos to never show up again, I call suspect. Meanwhile, Two-Face (with his impossible, improbable injuries) is dead, Ra's al-Ghul is gone (except in flashback), Talia's dead (and look, if you wanted a big-eyed vaguely-foreign looking female, you could've gotten Mila Kunis--she's excellent in weird roles), and the only repeat you have is from Mr. Second-String...who doesn't do anything except be annoying. I just don't get it.

I know I'm late to the "Bash Nolan's Batman" party, but I figure a blog on a superhero encyclopedia can encompass super movie reviews. So to recap: Hot Bane, Asshole Bruce/Bats, Mediocre Catwoman....I give the movie a C-. Watchable in a pinch, especially if you find Bane disturbingly hot, but otherwise...watch something else.