"Crappily Ever After": In the hopes of vacationing in the Bahamas on the cheap, Harley Quinn decides to have herself mailed there in a freight. Unfortunately, over the Atlantic Ocean, her plane gets caught in an electrical storm and two hurricane
- I can't believe I'm gonna marry Mista J... This is so exciting!
Harley Quinn: Futures End #1 is a one-shot with a cover date of November, 2014. It was published on September 24, 2014.
Synopsis for "Crappily Ever After"
In the hopes of vacationing in the Bahamas on the cheap, Harley Quinn decides to have herself mailed there in a freight. Unfortunately, over the Atlantic Ocean, her plane gets caught in an electrical storm and two hurricanes on a collision course for one another, and Harley can't help but have a bad feeling about it.
Hours later, she washes up on the shore of a tropical island, with, at least, the company of a dog who had been in the cargo hold with her. Having lost track of her beaver, Bernie, Harley commands the dog to go find him, tossing a stick to test his fetching skills. To her disappointment, the dog runs past the stick and into the forest. Grumbling, Harley decides to sift through the debris on the beach for things she can use to build a shelter.
After spotting a soccer ball among the debris, Harley draws a beaver face on it in sharpie, and declares that it will be named Bernie. She is disappointed further, of course, when the soccer ball fails to talk to her. Feeling pangs of hunger, she grabs the ball under one arm and begins searching the island for rogue hotels, rogue survivors, and rogue foods. In the sand, though, she spots a small animal skull, and realizes that it's Bernie's actual skull. The beaver responds that obviously his body was eaten by a shark, or something. Taking some fashion inspiration from Mister T, Harley threads a string through the skull, and keeps her buddy around her neck.
Continuing her investigations, Harley notes that there is an active volcano on the island - and that there appear to be natives watching her. After she calls them out of hiding, the one named Bouba, who appears to be their leader, declares Harley an awesome goddess, and orders the others to bow to her. Happily, Harley wonders if they can get anything for a goddess to eat.
Over dinner, Harley demands some sexy entertainment, and is obliged by two of the tribe's finest warriors, who wrestle while doused in coconut oil. Suddenly, a masked man throws weapons into the ring and, with their own personal baggage weighing on them, the two warriors see fit to cut each other to pieces. Sadly, Harley mourns their waste, and gets some sleep, with Bouba's promise to be taken to the God-King of the tribe in the morning.
As the sun rises, Bouba escorts Harley across the island, explaining that they know she is a goddess because her skin is identical in pallor to that of their god-king Tha'Jo-Kaa, who has told his people tales of one like her. Harley is taken aback upon arriving at the god-king's temple - a vast pyramid, built in his honour, years ago. Collapsing on the seemingly endless 148-step stairway leading to the top of the pyramid, Bouba has Harley raised on a litter and carried. When she finally reaches the top, and Tha'Jo-Kaa sees who has finally come to him, he can only accept that it makes some kind of weird sense that she'd show up. Recognizing him instantly, Harley rushes over and plants a kiss on the lips of The Joker.
Angrily, she pulls away and punches him in the face for letting her think he was dead all this time. Grinning, the Joker has the tribesmen make them a feast. Over the meal, he explains that he had decided it was time to lie low, and took over the island with the added bonus that it's pre-existing inhabitants believed he was a god. At first, forcing them to build the palace was entertainment enough, but then he got bored and started making them do crazy things just to see how far they would go in their devotion to him. Even that became a bit boring, until he decided he could drum up some excitement by having the tribesmen dress up as super-heroes and made them try to find him while he would outwit them with deadly traps. Eventually, though, he began to crave the real thing. He had figured he'd die of boredom until Harley showed up. Now, their entertainment will be the marriage he arranged at the mouth of the volcano for this very evening.
By sundown, Harley has been outfitted with a lovely dress, and the Joker breaks with tradition by popping in to see her in it before the wedding. He insists that he doesn't believe in bad luck, but the volcano blows, as if in karmic response. As the lava spews out, it burn her dress and vaporizes the Joker, and Harley loses everything - until she wakes up.
As it turns out, Harley's real wedding dress is perhaps less glamorous; complete with coconut bra. All the same, she is excited to be getting married to the Joker, with mounting excitement as her litter approaches the volcano. Bernie, though, reminds that the Joker hasn't always been good to Harley. She insists that this time, things will be different. Bernie promises that it won't. Angrily, Harley tires of his negativity, and tosses the skull into an alligator infested swamp.
The wedding, presided over by a tribesman dressed as Batman, takes place at the flaming mouth of the volcano. As the Joker says his "I do," Bouba attempts to get his attention about something important, but he gets the brush-off, until Harley realizes that the Joker intends her to be thrown into the volcano. Bouba interrupts the Joker's excuses by reminding that because it is a full moon, he too must be fed to the fires. Grinning, Harley laughs that his plan has backfired. Angrily, Joker responds that he never intended to really marry her, pointing out that he knows about her various affairs over the years. Angrily, Harley punches him in the face, and gives him a kick in the family jewels, prompting the officiant to grab her, and warn that the law dictates that they both must offer themselves. Together, Joker and Harley throw him into the lava. As they argue over which of them will go in first, they realize that the locals will ensure that they both go in, regardless, and form a truce.
The truce is shortlived, though, as the volcano erupts, and sends Harley rocketing through the sky, and plummeting down onto the safety of the beach. After regaining consciousness, she hears Bernie's voice from within the charred belly of a dead alligator, and retrieves it. Wondering if the Joker made it out alive, she is surprised instead to see a handsome man appear at the water's edge, offering to take her home to New York.
Appearing in "Crappily Ever After"
- Harley Quinn (First appearance)
- Bernie the Beaver
- Big Tony
- Goat Boy
- Aquaman (Cameo)
- Frankie (Dies)
- Gerard (Dies)
- This issue is reprinted in Futures End: Five Years Later Omnibus.
- The skunk seen in the panel of Harley Quinn showing off her wedding dress to the animals resembles Pepe Le Pew.