"Very Old Spice": With her first day of work ahead of her, Harley Quinn goes through the unexpectedly arduous process of covering every bit of visible skin on her body with flesh-toned makeup, to hide her inhumanly pale complexion. As she grabs her pack and
- The rest of you have five seconds before I take your tacky tickle toys and find new places ta shove 'em!
- -- Harley Quinn
Appearing in "Very Old Spice"
- Big Tony
- The Brooklyn Bruisers
- David Rubenstein
- Derek Rubenstein
- Dr. Hertz
- Ida Rubenstein
- Jenny Rubenstein
- Sy Borgman (First full appearance) (Flashback and main story)
- The Crabs
- Guido (Dies)
- The Joker (Mentioned only)
- Smallville (Mentioned only)
- New Jersey
- Arkham Asylum (Mentioned only)
- New York
Synopsis for "Very Old Spice"
With her first day of work ahead of her, Harley Quinn goes through the unexpectedly arduous process of covering every bit of visible skin on her body with flesh-toned makeup, to hide her inhumanly pale complexion. As she grabs her pack and thermos, she runs into Big Tony outside, who asks a minute of her time to show her his designs for the automated dog-poop removal device that he promised her after she adopted every dog in the local shelter. In exchange for building it, all he asks is four months rent-free. Reluctantly, she agrees, reminding him to feed those pets as she mounts her bike, and rides to work.
At the nursing home, in her role as a therapist to the elderly residents, Harley is so moved by the story of neglect that one of her patients - a Mrs. Rubenstein - tells that she reschedules her next appointment and finds the address of the woman's children.
In Kensington, Jenny Rubenstein is holding a party with her friends, hoping to convince them to buy a selection of personal massagers, and making little secret of their other, perhaps more valuable uses. Soon, the vibration of the devices is buried under the more powerful vibration of the rapidly approaching bulldozer piloted by Harley Quinn, which soon tears through the Rubenstein household's living room. Outraged, she sends the other soccer moms home while she searches for Jenny's son Derek, who is engrossed in a video game. Promptly, she takes a tennis racket to his TV and game console, and then binds and gags him. In the basement, she finds David Rubenstein, whose obsession with model railroads gives allows Harley to fulfill a dream of stomping a city like Godzilla. Having taken him eighteen years to build, David is enraged, but Harley grabs up the long string of train cars from the diorama and whips him into submission with it before ordering him upstairs with his wife and son.
Once assembled together, Harley challenges the Rubensteins to guess why she came. None of them has a satisfying answer, so she stuffs them all into the trunk of their own car, and takes them on a road trip. However, she is distracted en route by hunger, and makes a stop at a Bay Ridge diner. As she finishes her meal, she is accosted by an unusual looking man who introduces himself as Guido, and reminds that she has a price on her head that has every bounty hunter in the five boroughs looking for her. He suggests that if he can pay her more than his employers, he might let her go, but he follows it up by insinuating that she should know who his employer is. Harley is confused, but she knows well enough that he intends to kill her, and so thrusts her fork into his chest.
Afterward, Harley rushes to her first roller-derby game, knowing she will be late. Unfortunately, she's so late that her team has already lost to The Crabs. She is informed upon her arrival that all she can do to help at this point is to cripple the other team, which, perhaps unfortunately, Harley takes literally. As the Crabs make their way out of the rink, making fun of the Harley's losing team openly, they are suddenly mowed down by Harley in the Rubensteins' car. Most of Harley's compatriots are horrified, but Summer, the team captain, is practically aroused.
Having had a full day, Harley is halfway home before she remembers that there are people in the trunk. She drives them out to the pier and lines them up on the edge, reminding that the reason she attacked them was because they had been neglecting Ida Rubenstein, David's mother. All it would take to make Ida happy is a visit now and then. Disgusted by how positively Ida spoke of someone like Derek, Harley swats him with her racket, knocking him into the water. Turning to Jenny, she condemns her for failing to at least call, kicking her in after her son. Finally, she demands to know how David intends to justify his neglect. He responds angrily that he and his family visit Ida three times a week. Harley responds that that isn't what she was told, and he reveals that Ida has Alzheimer's. She can't remember from one day to the next who visited her. Harley realizes, with some guilt, that she forgot to read the files. Grumpily, she unties him and lets him dive in after his family, only to discover that it's low-tide, and they had all simply fallen into the mud. Sheepishly, she jumps back into their car, apologizing, and reminding them to call their grandma.
That evening, Harley returns to the nursing home for her rescheduled appointment, where a Mr. Borgman identifies her as Harley Quinn. He explains that he knows all about her. Uncomfortably, she closes the door behind him, and he explains that he has only come to help, not hurt. He is Sy Borgman, once a government agent known as Syborg. He was responsible for breaking up a Russian terrorist group in the 60s, but got blown up in the process, requiring most of his body to be replaced by with what were then state-of-the-art bionics. When old age kicked in, though, the weight of his bionics required that he be confined to a scooter. The reason he has come is a proposition: some of the gang who blew him up are still out there - if much older - and his mission remains incomplete. He needs her to rid the world of these criminals to serve the country. Moved by his patriotism, Harley agrees to the gig.
- This book was first published on March 19, 2014.
- No special notes.
- MILP is a lesser-known acronym for "Mom I'd Like to Punch".
- "Jinkies" was a common exclamation made by Velma Dinkley on Scooby-Doo.
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