"Better Nuthead than Яed": The explosion of Ivana Brekemoff's home draws the attention of a local news chopper, whose occupants are surprised to witness Sy Borgman's high-tech scooter carrying both Ivana Brekemoff and Harley Quinn wi
- Holee stinkerolee! It smells like a turd's butthole back here.
- -- Harley Quinn
Appearing in "Better Nuthead than Яed"
- Alexei "The Bear" Medvedenko (Dies)
- Borya Tatierski (Dies)
- Chuck (Flashback and main story) (Dies)
- Edward (Dies)
- Hired killers (Deceased)
- Ivana Brekemoff (Dies)
- Kosta Armanoleg (Dies)
- Yuri Beyznatofin (Dies)
- Zena Bendemova (Dies)
- White Widows (Die)
- Madame Macabre (Statue only)
- Nathan the Dachshund
- News helicopter pilot
- Sy Borgman's Cousin Murray (Mentioned only)
- Tom, news helicopter reporter
- Sol-Iletsk (Mentioned only)
- United States of America
- Bagel grenades
- Bernie the Beaver
- Ivana Brekemoff's rings
- 1959 El Torito (Flashback only)
- News helicopter (Destroyed)
Synopsis for "Better Nuthead than Яed"
The explosion of Ivana Brekemoff's home draws the attention of a local news chopper, whose occupants are surprised to witness Sy Borgman's high-tech scooter carrying both Ivana Brekemoff and Harley Quinn with it from the flames. Unfortunately for Ivana, she is not a welcome rescue, and Harley slips all of the rings from her fingers before letting her fall to her death on the highway below.
With one more target down, Sy and Harley tether the scooter to the chopper, and Harley climbs up the rope to demand that the pilot take she and Sy to the Prospect Park Zoo. Unfortunately, she is forced to hijack the chopper herself, and ends up crashing it into a tree in the park. Their target is called "The Bear", and he works as a night watchman at the zoo. Sy assures Harley that the man was once a warden in a Russian penitentiary. His nickname comes by way of the fact that he'd get torture victims to talk by making them watch him feeding their family members to bears.
Unfortunately, the Bear has already heard that Sy Borgman is wiping out the seven agents who disfigured him, and one of his friends decides to come and help him deal with the threat. While he waits for Kosta to arrive, he releases all of the predatory animals from their cages. Unfortunately, when he tries to wake the bears from their sleep, they get angry and tear him to pieces.
Though they aren't sure why all the animals seem to be running free, Sy and Harley soon discover that the Bear has been killed - freeing up time to target the others. The others, however, have come to them, driving up to the park entrance. From atop a giraffe, Harley spots them and describes them to Sy so that he can identify them. Among them are Kosta Armanoleg, Borya Tatierski, Yuri Beyznatofin, and Zena Bendemova. This last causes Sy to get so wistful that he zones out for a minute. When Harley gets his attention again, he orders her to pull out the biggest gun from the back of his scooter.
Soon, bagels are raining down on Kosta and his companions. Though they are curious, they discover unhappily that the bagels are explosive. Kosta, Yuri, and three of Kosta's henchwomen are caught in the blast. Harley then attacks the others, only to be pinned by one of Borya's men. Before he can shoot her, his body explodes thanks to an RPG fired by Sy. Angrily, Borya demands to know why Sy even cares about them. They've been off the grid since the 90s, and they were in their heyday thirty years before that. His ongoing complaints are cut short when Harley brings a metal pipe down on his head, leaving only Zena.
Harley can see that there is an obvious sexual tension between Sy and Zena as the old woman claims she is not the wide-eyed girl he knew long ago. As they get closer to each other, threatening to put an end to each other's lives, they find themselves kissing. However, Zena recalls the heartbreak he gave her all too well, and attempts to stab him in the back, mid-kiss. Rather than allow her to do this, Sy speeds forward in his scooter and launches her into the rhino pit, causing her to be skewered on a particularly protuberant rhino horn.
With all of those Russian agents dead, only one remains on Sy's hit list. This one is the most heinous of them all, though there was no file on him to give Harley, and he doesn't want to talk about it. Soon, the pair are back on Coney Island, and Sy warns that he wants to face his prey by himself. They break into an old man's bedroom, and when he wakes, Sy greets him by the name Chuck.
Sy begins a monologue, explaining how he had wanted a '59 El Torito car more than anything since he was a boy. Only one hundred were made, and when he got back from the USSR, all of them had been sold. Chuck had had the only one for sale in all the Northeast. The day after Sy bought it, he went to show it to his cousin Murray in Connecticut, but on the way home, the car overheated on the Bronx Expressway. It took twenty minutes to get some coolant and come back, but in that twenty minutes, the car had been stripped down to its bolts by thieves. If chuck had told him there was a radiator leak, that would never have happened! Naturally, Chuck is remorseless. Sy bemoans the fact that if he'd known, he could have taken better care of the car and eventually bequeathed it to Harley. When Harley realizes that the car could have been hers she becomes so incensed that she kicks Chuck from his window into the street. Annoyed, Sy complains that he had wanted to be the one to do it, but he relents anyway.
With their work done at last, Sy and Harley opt to watch the sunrise from the boardwalk. Being able to share that moment with Harley is pleasant for him, as he usually wakes up thinking about all of his pains and hoping that none of them kill him. Harley kisses his cheek and lets him know she'd be open to doing this again any time. Just then, though, an eagle escaped from the zoo drops the Bear's head in Sy's lap. Harley grabs it and promises to send it back to Russia by drop-kicking it into the bay.
Finally, Harley returns to her penthouse and begins retrieving the stolen rings from her bustier. She is startled when she hears her friend Poison Ivy's voice from behind her. She'd been waiting for Harley to come home for a while, but had the opportunity to occupy herself by catching two more bounty hunters set on killing Harley in the meantime. She explains that she may have a lead on who placed the bounty on Harley's head.
- This book was first published on May 21, 2014.
- No special notes.
- "Kloun Suka!" (an anglicized version of "клоун сука") translates roughly to "Bitch Clown!."
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