"The Lobo Paramilitary Christmas Special": Aurifice and Ferryt Thung, unable to provide a material Christmas, are dreading facing the wrath of their ten kids in the morning. A knock at the door reveals a mysterious book on the doorstep called, The Lobo Xmas Sanction, detailing a story that w
- Ya'd better watch out -- ya'd better not cry! Ya'd better not pout, I'm tellin' ya why -- Santa 'Bo is comin' to town!
- — Lobo
Lobo Paramilitary Christmas Special #1 is a one-shot with a cover date of February, 1992.
Synopsis for "The Lobo Paramilitary Christmas Special"
Aurifice and Ferryt Thung, unable to provide a material Christmas, are dreading facing the wrath of their ten kids in the morning. A knock at the door reveals a mysterious book on the doorstep called, The Lobo Xmas Sanction, detailing a story that would adequately scare any demanding children straight during the Christmas season. Hoping it is the answer to their fears, the anxious parents begin reading, "Once upon a time. There was this really cool dude."
Lobo and Dawg arrive at a drinking establishment to meet with a client. The client turns out to be a highly inebriated Easter Bunny who wants to put a contract hit out on Santa Claus for his perpetual upstaging of lesser holiday icons. Lobo joyously agrees to take the job and departs for the North Pole.
He bursts into Santa's workshop guns blazing and begins massacring the elves. Some of the elves attempt to fight back against "the naughtiest one", but they are only armed with pop-guns. After turning the workshop into a bloody tableau, Lobo makes his way to the throne room of Kris "Crusher" Kringle. Santa is not the jolly, smiling old man personified in the traditions however. He is actually a merciless taskmaster armed with razor-sharp shivs and accompanied by a gorilla companion named Kong.
Before Lobo executes Santa where he sits, he is coaxed into a fair fight by the bearded bastich. Kringle chooses the weapons and leads 'Bo into the Elf-o-matic Cloning Unit, claiming there is more room to maneuver. The two brawl fiercely, and the fight is as messy as it is brutal. Ultimately, Lobo wins by decapitating Kringle with one of his own shivs. Exploring afterwards, Lobo finds Santa's naughty/nice data-bank and views the resource as an invaluable tool being squandered. He perceives the "nice" as weak, "Victims in the makin'!" Whereas the "naughty" he sees as potential competition. Manufacturing his own presents, he fills up Santa's sleigh with H-bombs and flies across the world, raining them down upon sleeping towns and villages.
Thrilled by such a horrifying tale, the Thung's no longer fear being torn apart in the morning but their own irascible offspring, but upon reading the last page - "This book is only good for one read. Gotcha, sucker!" - Ferryt solemnly heads upstairs with his shotgun and murders his sleeping children.
Appearing in "The Lobo Paramilitary Christmas Special"
- Easter Bunny (First appearance)
- Kris "Crusher" Kringle (Apparent Death)
- Aurifice Thung (a harried wife) (Single appearance)
- Ferryt Thung (her unemployed husband) (Single appearance)
- Kong (a gorilla) (First appearance)
- Rudolph the Mutant Reindeer (Only appearance; dies)
- Space Dolphins (Cameo)
- The Penguin Gang (First appearance)
- Santa's Elves
- Byron (Only appearance; dies)
- Cecil (Only appearance; dies)
- Hooter (Only appearance; dies)
- Roger (Only appearance; dies)
- The Lobo Xmas Sanction Book
- Sears 'n' Roebuck 15 Microton Boomer
- Elf-o-matic Cloning Unit
- Santa's Data-Banks
- Lobo's Spacehog (With wheels)
- Santa's Sleigh
- The cover to this issue contains two disclaimers. The first is located in the top left hand corner and reads, "Seriously suggested for mature readers". The second is on the bottom right hand corner and reads, "WARNING: Contains Bad Taste In The Form Of Ultra-Violence, Icon-Bashing, And "The Finger." More Offensive Than Christmas Usually Is. [sic]
- The canon of this issue is undetermined, even though Lobo has since made references to his battle with Santa Claus. The demeanor and apparent demise of Santa Claus is also cause for speculation, as he has never before or since been portrayed in such an unfavorable way. Due to Santa's legendary iconic status, it is reasonable to assume that he survived his apparent beheading in this issue. Of course, the story book The Lobo Xmas Sanction could be just a work of fiction, except that Lobo's penguin followers have made cameo appearances in other titles. Santa specifically led Lobo into the Elf-o-matic Cloning Unit for the fight, it is possible wily old Saint Nick had programed the machine to clone himself in the event of his death.
- Lobo appeared last in L.E.G.I.O.N. #32. He appears next in Starman #42.
- This one-shot is reprinted in The Authority/Lobo: Holiday Hell.
- The end of the issue includes a rendition of the holiday song "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer". The revised lyrics are:
- Rudolph the Mutant Reindeer
- Was very aptly named
- He had a fraggin' monstrous schnozzle
- Of which he was ashamed
- Then one starry xmas night,
- Lobo came to say --
- "Rudolph lead my sleigh tonight --
- Or I'll blow you away!"
Followed by Rudolph pleading: "No! Never! You're Naughty! Much too naughty!" followed by a gunshot and a loud thud.
- This storyline was adapted into a short film by Scott Leberecht in 2002, with a budget of $2,400, as part of the American Film Institute's director's studies program. Andrew Bryniarski (who also had a role in another DC Comics film, Batman Returns) stars as Lobo, with Tom Gibis as the Easter Bunny and Michael V. Allen as Santa Claus.
- Lobo Recommended Reading
- Batman/Lobo: Deadly Serious (Volume 1)
- Bob, the Galactic Bum (Volume 1)
- Lobo (Volume 1)
- Lobo (Volume 2)
- Lobo: A Contract on Gawd (Volume 1)
- Lobo: Death and Taxes (Volume 1)
- Lobo: Highway to Hell (Volume 1)
- Lobo: Infanticide (Volume 1)
- Lobo/Mask (Volume 1)
- Lobo's Back (Volume 1)
- Lobo: Unamerican Gladiators (Volume 1)
- Lobo Unbound (Volume 1)
- Lobo (One-Shots)
Links and References