"Preacher Wars!, Part the First": Lobo is woken up from an alcohol induced sleep by a nosy priest who reproaches his sinful behaviour, but offers salvation... for a small donation. Nursing a major hangover, Lobo wraps the priest up in a lamppost, before making his way to [[A
- Anythin' ta keep some distance between me an' these religioso fruitcakes! Only thing that stops me offin' th' whole fraggin' lot o' them is th' fact that more wars have been fought over religion than any other cause... so it can't be all bad!
- — Lobo
Synopsis for "Preacher Wars!, Part the First"
Lobo is woken up from an alcohol induced sleep by a nosy priest who reproaches his sinful behaviour, but offers salvation... for a small donation. Nursing a major hangover, Lobo wraps the priest up in a lamppost, before making his way to Al's for a little hair of the dog.
The entrance to the Diner is swamped with religious men. Al explains there is a big prayer meeting in town and he's actually running at a profit for once! Al is incredibly relieved to see Lobo leave without any trouble whatsoever, as he head's over to Bunsen's Bounty to get some work, while avoiding all the God botherers.
One bodyguard job is all that remains in the empty agency, with ever other bounty hunter looking to escape the holy crowd with off-world work. 'Bo decides to take the gig, with Bunsen making him confirm it twice. Once Lobo accepts the job, he's introduced to his employer, Reverend Phonus Balonus. Lobo immediately tries to get out of it, but Bunsen reminds him he did accept the job already, and it would be bad for his reputation to go back on his word. Begrudgingly 'Bo asks why the good Reverend doesn't just get God to protect him, and is surprised to hear Balonus exclaim there is no God to his knowledge. Balonus leads his new bodyguard to his luxury vehicle, getting him to discard his deceased, former bodyguard before heading to the Reverend's palatial home. Just after leaving the City, they're ambushed by another vehicle full of belligerent clergy. Lobo's sharp manoeuvring evades their incoming fire before retaliating himself, sending the aggressors into a meteor. A spaceship trailing behind surveys the wreck, and the United Universal Churches of Truth decide to follow Balonus' lead and hire professionals.
Lobo is impressed with the Reverend's mansion, not to mention the constant stream of donations being delivered. The two partake in a round of golf, and though it's his first time playing, Lobo sends his drive straight into a tree, embedding the ball in a hidden assassin's forehead. With one down, another emerges from their golf bag. The tiny hit man is known to Lobo as, Kayno, the dwarf killer. Th' Main Man gives his old associate fair warning to abandon the job, and pre-empts the little man's false departure, blowing him away. When Lobo asks why the others are so determined to see the Reverend dead, Balonus tells him it's because he speaks the truth, and stupid people still give him money. Throwing a wad of tri nitro into the water hazard to exterminate the last of the hired guns, Lobo is now more than happy with his new position and is looking forward to tonight's gathering.
Checking people at the door of the opulent Church of Phony Baloney, Lobo quickly realises security is going to be a nightmare and shouts a warning down the long queue, that if anyone is caught with weapons, he'll be using them on the owners. Phonus Balonus takes the stage and preaches how God doesn't speak to him nor has he ever appeared at one of his shows, he is motivated purely by money. He then invites two disabled men to the stage. Delroy Trumbo has no legs, and Robert Smith has several speech impediments. The Reverend sends them behind a screen and calls upon God to cure these two needy men. Neither Trumbo or Smith are changed in any way, yet the crowd applaud Balonus as he sends his collection buckets through the audience. Unfortunately a few gunmen infiltrated the assembly but Lobo, disguised amongst the followers, whips around and dispatches the lot of them, earning another thunderous cheer from the onlookers. As the moronic mob feed Lobo's ego, the UUCT leaders take matters into their own hands and surprise Balonus from behind the curtain. However, Lobo has prepared for such a incident and detonates the explosives he packed under the stage. Balonus survives the blast, only a little singed, and gratefully pays Lobo his daily wages before dismissing him. Lobo though he had landed the best job in the galaxy, not realising that by massacred all of the Reverend's enemies, he's made himself redundant.
Jonas Glim sits at the counter in Al's Diner when he, Al and Darlene notice the TV set, where Lobo proudly announces himself as the founder of the Church of the Almighty Frag. Send him money... or else!
Appearing in "Preacher Wars!, Part the First"
- United Universal Churches of Truth (Only appearance; all dies)
- Kayno, the Dwarf Killer (Only appearance; dies)
- Delroy Trumbo
- Robert Smith
- Space City Robinson
- Balonus' Palatial Mansion
- The Church of Phony Baloney
- The Church of the Almighty Frag (On a TV or computer screen)
- Galactic World (Mentioned only)
- Sirius (Mentioned only)
- Lug Beer
- Olde Gin Spiz
- Holy Hooch
- Balonus' Luxury Car
- Balonus' Golf Cart
- United Universal Churches of Truth Spaceship