"Lobo's Guide to Girls": Lobo looks down on a happy couple of newlyweds and concedes that there are some guys that just want to settle down. He chases the pair away by firing over their heads, lobbing two grenades over his shoulder to frag their perfect home, explaining that
- There are basically two types of girls... Those who say "yes," and those who say "no." Common sense dictates ya dump th' latter an' concentrate on th' former. Trouble is, th' ones who say "no" are usually th' ones ya want t' say "yes"!
- — Lobo
Appearing in "Lobo's Guide to Girls"
- Dawg (Cameo)
- Penguin Gang Member (Cameo)
- L.E.G.I.O.N. (Mentioned only)
- Swingle Singers (Mentioned only)
- Chemical Growth Stuff Inc.
- Frontier Saloon
- Ramona's Unisex Salon & Bail Bond
- Hormone Cream
- Strongbooze (Mentioned only)
Synopsis for "Lobo's Guide to Girls"
Lobo looks down on a happy couple of newlyweds and concedes that there are some guys that just want to settle down. He chases the pair away by firing over their heads, lobbing two grenades over his shoulder to frag their perfect home, explaining that this book is not for them. This book is for men who like their women like their explosions, wild and big.
Posturing for a bevy of babes surrounding him, Lobo proclaims he can instruct how to land those sassy space girls playing hard to get. Although, his statement comes with a disclaimer that all women are unpredictable and the Main Man is not liable for any castration.
The first lesson is to know how to ditch a girl even before you land one. Since they can be clingy, you need to be able to make a clean break when you get tired of them. Lobo demonstrates by dumping the sweet, beautiful Lyn after just three days, telling her that she's lucky to have had more than just a one-night stand. The heartbroken beauty breaks down into tears, so Lobo consoles her with a parting gift; a bottle of hormone cream to enlarge her breasts.
Not all women can be treated the same. Some are into the rough approach, like Lobo's former L.E.G.I.O.N. associate, Layla. He approaches the bad girl bounty hunter as she's choosing from a selection of weapons, and casually puts his hand on her tush. She calmly tells him to keep his hands off but 'Bo propositions her with a lewd scenario. Once again, Layla warns him to remove his hand. Lobo gets real close, whispering in her ear if she wants to play doctors and nurses behind the nearest bush. With one clean movement, Layla severs the offending hand. She punches the surprised Czarnian to the ground and hogties him, gagging his filthy mouth by shoving the dismembered hand into it.
'Bo sits scratching his head with his loose appendage, contemplating the unpredictable whims of the farer sex, when a woman passes with her poodle wearing a skimpy outfit. The Main Man's eyes pop and he places his butchered hand to his lips to wolf whistles with gusto. He clarifies that it's complimentary, and that ladies love it when you express your admiration for their beauty. The woman responds by throwing her dog at his head. He adds they hate it when you don't treat their pets well.
The jilted Lyn sobs as she enters the headquarters of Chemical Growth Stuff Inc. She asks the receptionist if the hormone cream they produce really does work. The buxom receptionist stands up to address her, and Lyn assumes it does work before she can reply. The distraught girl suddenly dashes towards the manufacturing floor and dives into a industrial vat of growth hormone to end her suffering.
As Lobo finishes stitching his lecherous hand back on, he expresses his aggravation with girls who says "no" to you, but "yes" to another guy. Princess Shao-La is a prime example, locking arms with the supercheez Goldstar. Ignoring her date, Lobo drools over Shao-La's ample bosom. Goldstar won't stand for such lascivious disrespect of his female companion, and he slugs Lobo, demanding satisfaction. This is just what Lobo wants, a some babes like Shao-La get aroused by a good fight. Lobo takes the first blow to earn a little pity before he fights back savagely, standing over his victim waiting for Shao-La to run into his open arms. Instead, Lobo takes a mace to the face and the princess assists her chivalrous date to escort him somewhere more private. The nervous Goldstar whimpers that he's a virgin.
Two factory workers at Chemical Growth Stuff Inc. look over the railing at the woman floating in the bubbling pool of hormone cream, wondering if she has drowned. Lyn is alive but feels all tingly. The growth hormone takes an amplified effect, and the startled woman starts growing exponentially. Soon she's the size of the vat but continues to expand until she outgrows the building itself, bursting through the roof!
In a seedy frontier saloon, Lobo mentions that some girls who say "yes" may not be worth the trouble. Billy the Girl sidles up behind her fellow bounty hunter and is forthright about voicing her attraction to him. She pulls him towards her and they lock lips passionately. It's not long before she's being chased by 'Bo up the stairs in nothing but their utility belts, but when they open the door to her room, they're ambushed by a shotgun wielding maniac seeking revenge on Billy for killing his father. The two naked mercenaries dive for cover and return fire together, killing their assailant. Billy grins, excited by the rush of adrenaline. Before they can continue ravishing each other, the two are separated by a barrage of bullets springing up from the floorboards. A vengeful voice screams out to Billy that she killed three of his family members.
Loaded with booze and bearing pizza, Lobo stumbles up to the the familiar Unisex Salon & Bail Bond in the middle of the night, calling on Ramona. Lobo imparts how older women can be more tender and loving than the feisty young girls. Ramona answers the door in her nightgown and the Main Man works his charm, but before he can finish, Ramona interrupts his sweet talk, translating its meaning as slobbering over her with alcohol breath, vomiting in her bathroom, and keeping her awake all night with his snoring. She abruptly slams the pizza in his face, followed by the door.
Elsewhere, a gigantic disgruntled woman stomps through the city. A male pedestrian enthusiastically points out he can see up her skirt. Lyn crushes him underfoot like a bug and vows to make Lobo pay.
Finally, Lobo comes to the alluring Darlene. With good, honest girls like her, Lobo states that's best to just lie to her face. Lobo sits with Darlene beneath a tree and proclaims his love for her. She's flattered, and asks what it is he finds so appealing about her. Lobo tries to poetically describe her beauty using analogies only he could relate to, like her eyes being pools of blood, or her lips like juicy barbecued worms. The sickening similes cause her to be queasy.
Completely vexed by being rebuffed at every turn, Lobo demands to know what it actually takes to get one of them to say "yes." The mob of indignant women shout various ways he could clean up his act. Only Darlene approaches him and confides that she already thinks he's noble and charming. His uncouth nature just makes him one of the boys. Lobo takes exception to this and screams he doesn't want to be "one of the boys," but his frustrated rage is overshadowed by his humongous ex towering over him. Lyn swats him like a fly before picking him up, shaking him like a rag doll. She decides to give him a taste of what he wanted, placing him in her cavernous cleavage and presses her breasts together, squishing him. Lyn playfully jiggles her bust before removing the pulverised chauvinist in a stupefied state. She places him on the ground and crushes him under his fist.
Face down and mangled, Lobo leaves it up to the women to have the final word on what might sway them to say "yes."
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