"I Married a Main Man!": At the classy new restaurant, Chez Al, Darlene questions her provocative new uniform, but Al simply dismisses it as "French style." Darlene reservedly agrees to the tiny cocktail dress and slips on her gloves, dropping
- Lobo turnin' down free booze and sex? It ain't natural! I got a real bad feelin' about this!
Synopsis for "I Married a Main Man!"
At the classy new restaurant, Chez Al, Darlene questions her provocative new uniform, but Al simply dismisses it as "French style." Darlene reservedly agrees to the tiny cocktail dress and slips on her gloves, dropping one in the process. She bends down to pick it up just as Lobo struts through the front door, demanding a six-pack. He immediately spies Darlene's partially exposed posterior and sneaks up behind her to give it a pinch. The startled waitress bolts upright and slams her head into an overhanging shelf, knocking herself unconscious. Al rebukes him for once more causing trouble, while 'Bo pours a can of beer over her face to try and revive her.
Darlene splutters awake, and relived she's unharmed, Lobo gets down on one knee beside her to profess his love, asking her to marry him. Darlene doesn't hesitate to accept his proposal and kisses him passionately. Al can't believe what he's witnessing and tries to talk her out of it, but Darlene begs him not to ruin the happy moment and he breaks out the champagne instead. Lobo shakes a bottle enthusiastically, but before he can open it, Darlene shakes her finger and tells Lobo he'll be reducing his alcohol intake from now on. Lobo tries to protest but a quick flash of her bedroom eyes convinces 'Bo to throw the bottle over his shoulder, which lands in the microwave. Al watches as Darlene waves goodbye with her fiancée, and sips champagne, content that Lobo managed to leave without wrecking the restaurant, just at the microwave behind him explodes.
At the Hi Jump bar, the Main Man breaks the news to his fellow bounty hunters. Billy runs to congratulate him while Jonas offers to buy him a drink, but can't believe his ears when 'Bo orders a strawberry milk. Jonas insists they get sinking drunk, but Darlene made it clear that drinking booze equals no sex. Billy offers to celebrate getting tied down by inviting Lobo upstairs for one last fling, but Lobo can only picture Darlene reproaching him, and he leaves the bar to make arrangements with the church. Jonas is not happy about the sudden changes in the baddest bastich he knows, before Billy asks him what his plans are for the evening.
At the church, the Reverend is incredulous that one of the most ruthless killers in the universe wants to be married in the house of the Lord, but Lobo convinces him he's mending his ways now that he's found true love. The Reverend gladly kneels with the reformed sinner and prays to for his forgiveness, asking that Lobo be rewarded with his heart's desire, to which the Main Man eagerly agrees, picturing Darlene lying on a bed in lingerie.
During a tuxedo fitting at the tailors, Lobo becomes uncomfortable when the tailor asks which side he dresses on. The tailor attempts to measure his inside leg, inciting Lobo to throw him out of the window, opting for a pre-made suit instead.
Getting cosy on a park bench under the soft light of several moons, Lobo suggests they "do it," but Darlene maintains she's saving herself for her wedding night. Lobo explains they should find out if they're compatible first, but she stays strong and leaves Lobo trying to talk down his excitement.
The night before the big day, Lobo sits dejectedly at the Heavy Metal Bar, nursing a milkshake while his pals enjoy themselves. Tartan tells 'Bo that this is the time for him to let loose, offering him a cigar. Lobo reminds himself of Darlene's anti-tobacco stance and sulks instead. Elsewhere, Billy drags the inhibited Darlene to Savage Dick's Male Strip and plies her with drinks until she's dancing on stage with the men.
The next day, Lobo and Darlene are married without a hitch, but the best man Jonas makes a less than gracious speech at the reception, accusing 'Bo of throwing his life away for a woman. Lobo gets furious and almost starts a fist fight, until Darlene holds him back, as Lobo preempts another rule about brawling leading to no sex.
Afterwards, Lobo finally gets Darlene alone in The Love Hotel. They check in on Saturday and don't leave until Wednesday, their raucous fornicating drawing large, cheering crowds outside.
Carrying a bindle, Dawg stomps away defiantly from a suburban home with a white picket fence, where the Main Man mows the front lawn as his wife brings him cold lemonade. Lobo admits he often craves alcohol and junk food but those thoughts soon dissipate when he sees his gorgeous wife. Chasing Darlene inside playfully, the two make loud, vigorous love, as two passing pedestrians applaud the climax.
After a month of marriage, Jonas invites himself around for a game of poker with Billy, Quietus, and Murder. Lobo tries to explain, while Darlene corrects him grammar, that they don't approve of gambling and opt for a friendly game of Fish instead.
Sitting in front of the TV one night, Darlene shows Lobo baby clothes in a catalogue. Lobo assumes she's dropping hints, but she reveals she's already pregnant causing Lobo to faint.
Quite a few years, and four children later, Lobo plays baseball in the yard with his kids. The boys, who take after their mother, ask him to take it easy while urging their sister to hurry up an pitch. The little girl, who resembles the Czarnian parentage much more, hurls the ball at her father's groin. She cusses out her old man for being useless.
Many years later, in their twilight, the elderly Lobo creaks back and forth on a rocking chair next to his aged wife on the porch. Darlene asks her husband if he still loves her now that her looks have long faded, and Lobo says he does, while letting out some small groans. Darlene questions what's happening under his blanket and pulls it away to reveal a beautiful, young red-head in his lap.
Back on the floor of Chez Al, the tainted dream jolts Darlene awake to find Al and Lobo watching over her. Knelt beside, Lobo tells her he was hoping to cop a feel while she was out, and receives a violent slap across his face as Darlene expresses how she would never marry him if he was the last man in the universe. She storms off leaving Lobo dumbfounded.
Appearing in "I Married a Main Man!"
- Lobo (In dream sequence and main story)
- Darlene (In dream sequence and main story)
- Al (In dream sequence and main story)
- Jonas Glim (In dream sequence only)
- Billy the Girl (In dream sequence only)
- Cazanova the Alien Pimp (Mentioned only)
- Tartan Quarantino (In dream sequence only)
- Johnny Quietus (In dream sequence only)
- Murder (In dream sequence only)
- Dawg (Cameo; in dream sequence only)
- Chez Al (In dream sequence and main story)
- Hi Jump Bar (In dream sequence only)
- Church (In dream sequence only)
- Hi-Class Tailors (In dream sequence only)
- Heavy Metal Bar (In dream sequence only)
- Savage Dick's Male Strip (In dream sequence only)
- The Love Hotel (In dream sequence only)
- Lobo and Darlene's Suburban Home (In dream sequence only)
- Bierre de L'eau
- Le Foo Champagne
- Strong Booz
- Lug Beer (Cover only)
- Lobo's Spacehog (Cover only)
- Billy is depicted with black hair instead of brown.
- Darlene's eyes are coloured blue instead of green.
- Lobo refuses a tailored suit, saying "he'll just have to go bespoke," a misuse of the word which means "custom fitted."
- According to the tailor, Lobo's chest is 56 inches and his waist 32 inches.
- Lobo Recommended Reading
- Batman/Lobo: Deadly Serious (Volume 1)
- Bob, the Galactic Bum (Volume 1)
- Lobo (Volume 1)
- Lobo (Volume 2)
- Lobo: A Contract on Gawd (Volume 1)
- Lobo: Death and Taxes (Volume 1)
- Lobo: Highway to Hell (Volume 1)
- Lobo: Infanticide (Volume 1)
- Lobo/Mask (Volume 1)
- Lobo's Back (Volume 1)
- Lobo: Unamerican Gladiators (Volume 1)
- Lobo Unbound (Volume 1)
- Lobo (One-Shots)